I Never Received the Help I Needed.
My mother found the Cornerstone when I was 13. I had two previous psych hospitalizations for my mental health and they were not going to release me without an Outpatient program in place. Basically, the only place available because of my age was Cornerstone. My mother was able to take me on a day trip from the hospital to see Cornerstone.
I was so young and all the freedom seemed so exciting.
I had to go back to the hospital and detox off all my psych meds; this almost took a month. Thankfully they did allow me to have a medical detox, something I have heard others did not get.
The reason I was considered an addict was minor experimenting while on my psych meds. After I was released from the hospital I started OP the next day.
During the 5 years I spent there the first 3 were almost entirely spent in OP.
Staff were not qualified to handle my issues. My mental health became so poor while I was there.
I also never formally returned to school after 7th grade when I joined. I would do a month or two here or there and then end up dropping out or back in treatment.
I struggled the most with self harm, I was made to do embarrassing and humiliating things if I self harmed, including wearing a sign or some sort of commitment, most often where I was not allowed to wear hoodies or conceal my cutting places.
This later led me to cut more dangerous places like the inside of my mouth to be able to hide it.
I struggled with an eating disorder and was told it was just attention based and never received the help I needed. At best I was given a story about a person overcoming their eating disorder with God.
It was absolutely disturbing in retrospect. I was called dramatic, a chaos junkie and emo by the people who were supposed to be helping me.
Throughout my time there, I was bullied relentlessly. About everything from my height to my age and the music I liked.
I was involved in relationships with men and women in the Group more than 10 years my senior and I was always punished more harshly than the older person for any ‘hook up’ or unsanctioned hangouts.
I was made to go through OP three different times, once for 52 weeks straight. I was sent to Step 2 in Atlanta and told if I didn’t get it together after that I would just be kept in OP. I didn’t know if this was serious, so I just started buying in.
I had a very traumatic Step 2 experience. I was the only person in my Step 2 and I believe it was intentional as there were two Step 2’s at the time. I was also in S2 for a campout and training. This was like the weirdest experience. I had to do like 6 hours of therapy a day one on one with a counselor for most of my Step 2.
I went back and was forced to do more than the average time in OP after as well and double Aftercare.
I was so done, they broke me at that point. Every little bit of fight left in me gone. I feel like for the next few years I was a ghost, just living in this situation I couldn’t change. And it only got worse, I know now because my actual conditions were not being treated. I was in the Group for another few years past this point. I sort of became an example of “getting it” at this point. I became one of the cool girls. After all my years in the Group as the weird girl, I was stoked.
But to maintain cool girl status I consistently had to be something I wasn’t.
I was put on Steering and expected to “share my story” like constantly to anyone who struggled with self harm, eating disorders or recurring relapses. Several things that really stick out to me - one of my OP Staff would always say that I didn’t abuse drugs, that I had maybe been rude to them a few times and so I would ask “well then, why am I here?” And the answer would always be because “you’re fucked up” and “pot is a serious drug.”
I was also told that letting past trauma affect me today was a choice and I was choosing to be a victim.
At one point I was made to read the "Pot Chapter” every single day. I was made to believe that I was worse than an “hardcore” drug user because I had smoked pot maybe 20 times.
At the end of my time in the Group I became pregnant by another member. It had been my experience that using birth control was not sober so I don’t know what they expected to happen. I wasn’t kicked out immediately, but I also wasn’t still fully in the Group due to my family situation.
After I had my child, my mental health grew worse and worse. I almost died during child birth due to refusing medical intervention because of the Group beliefs I held on to.
My child’s father and I started using and he had friends who did much more than smoke weed so this ended up being very detrimental to me.
I was eventually told by Staff “there’s nothing else we can do for you,” Something that my mother should have been told have a decade sooner. I will never forget that conversation, I was devastated.
I had a handful of friends who I felt like we’re just waiting for their reason to stop talking to me as well. Very soon after I attempted to take my own life. It took years for me to get all of the mental health help I needed.
Cornerstone Program Survivor. 2007-2012
