The Group is a drug I’m still withdrawing from.
I remember sitting in the lobby of Cornerstone in January of 2011. Arms crossed like I didn’t want to be there. The truth was, I did, and that was even before I was love-bombed. I was losing friends, I hated my school, and my parents were keeping close tabs on me.
Then, when the kids came running through the hallway, so excited to see me, to show me around, to get to know me, to give me cigarettes, my dreams came true. No one was going to take me away.
About three months had passed, and I was still in Outpatient.
At this time I witnessed someone “bail,” and I kept in contact with her. Once I told one person about this, I had to relay all the information I knew to other members and Staff, and if I continued talking to her I needed to tell the Staff everything.
Not long after that, I was forced to conduct my first kidnapping. It was then I realized I was not in control anymore.
Once I was in for 8 months, I was asked to join the honorary Steering Committee. I felt to honored, I was changing lives, like I was part of something amazing. I was finally good enough, I made it. The year following, I had never been so broken down in their Purpose meetings.
Everything I did was selfish. Everything I did was wrong. If I didn’t do better fast, I couldn’t truly love and the love I received would be minimal. Maybe I wasn’t born to do this, to help people, to lead, I thought to myself (and still think to myself.)
For years, I was told the same thing over and over: you are not growing, you are stagnant, your emotions never change.
Maybe because I thought having my heart ripped out onto the floor was enough, maybe because I thought telling all my secrets was enough, maybe because being there over 80 hours a week was enough.
I was no longer me, but they wanted more.
Towards the end of it all, I couldn’t wait to graduate and leave. By the skin of my teeth I stayed for a few more months, just to say I graduated and did it.
Bailing was not an option, I couldn’t cut all my ties from leaving a few months too soon. Even if I was sober, I would lose all my friends if I didn’t see this to the end with a big smile. My efforts would be in vain.
The Group is a drug I’m still withdrawing from. The love-bombing, the trauma-bonding, getting spoon-fed a multitude of friends.
It sounds bad but at 17 that’s all I wanted, and that’s how I got roped in.
- The Cornerstone Program Survivor Story. 2011 - 2013
