Messages of Hope from LGBTQ+ Enthusiastic Sobriety Survivors

The Insight Program Survivor: 2017 - 2019

Before the program, I had been completely out of the closet to both my friends and family. I was a proud bisexual who had loved many woman, men and people all along the gender spectrum. While in the program it was bashed into me that this was just because I was an attention seeker, because I was desperate for love, that my sexual history with men meant that I couldn’t possibly truly have any real emotions for women. I quite literally came out as straight to my family while in the program. I was told i was a “try-sexual” no matter how spiritually healthy I became, how involved I became, how sober I was my attraction to women did not disappear. I thought I was sick because of this, at times I feel like I was even treated like a predator while in the group.

After leaving I spent time in therapy and sexuality was the topic of many days of discussions. I discovered not only is it natural but I was not broken or evil for liking and loving who I did. I learned to live openly and freely by myself even in the face of discrimination and hatred. I learned to love the community in which my sexuality gained me. I learned to give back to my community and get involved with local lgbtq efforts and in return they received me, broken and traumatized from my cult experience and they dedicated time to helping me heal.

The Pathway Program Staff Survivor: 2012 - 2019

When I was in the group, I struggled to come to terms with my sexual orientation. In fact, it took me nearly three years after leaving to come to accept it for what it was. I had so much shame around it, all of which was amplified during my time in the group. I was led to believe my sexuality was something to be ashamed of, a dirty part of my drug addiction that could only be resolved by the love of the group.

Despite the fact that my feelings for men never went away, I believed their lies and, in an ultimately pointless attempt to undergo their version of conversion therapy, I lost years of who I could have been. Had I just been told the truth, that I would be okay whether or not I was straight, I might not have suffered to the extent that I did.

If I could tell an LGBTQ+ kid in the group anything, it’s two things. The first is to get out, that there are so many other ways to get sober that won’t hinder the parts of yourself that you’re ACTUALLY powerless over. You deserve so much better than what they will ever be willing to give you.

The second thing I would tell them is what I so desperately needed to hear myself. There’s nothing broken, deviant, or dirty about you. I know how hard it can be to believe that, especially when the group refuses to acknowledge that part of you, but you’re okay. Please don’t for even one second believe it correlates to whether or not you can stay sober. It doesn’t.

Palmer Drug Abuse Program Survivor: 2010 - 2013

I also obviously experienced a lot of the same just blood-curdling queer-phobia in the group, it was very much a baked-in part of the culture in the Texas groups as well, and I would be lying if I said that it didn't cause a tremendous amount of pain & suffering.

It is also true though, that that part of my experience being targeted because of my sexuality and gender identity is in many ways what made me an activist such that I am today. It's why I've been part of this community, and why I've been trying for so long to get these programs shuttered, and to have the people responsible for these things to face criminal charges.

It also is what's animated me as an LGBT activist, a political activist, and in similar domains since I left the group. I don't mean at all to say that my experience with being abused, traumatized, targeted, and so on, has made me a better person. It's just made me traumatized.

But it has given me a language, and a central, life-animating desire to make sure that this never happens to the queer youth who come after me, and that these types of abuse are annihilated, and that the rotten, hateful, abusive ideologies that made these abuses possible, are also annihilated. That it would become unimaginable to even begin to think in the terms that made what happened to me possible. And I'm going to do that.

The fact that we're all here, with the same, central, life-animating desire to do exactly that, means that the possibility of any other outcome is rapidly being foreclosed on.

The Crossroads Program Survivor: 2016 - 2017

When I joined the Crossroads program, I had been out of the closet for 3 years. I was in a relationship that I chose not to disclose to the group out of fear that they would make me end the relationship and cut her off like everyone else. 

Throughout my time in the group, members would say offensive, queer phobic “jokes” and call each other “fags” at least once a day. If I said something, I was told that it was just a joke and I was being sensitive. 

When it was found out that I had been talking to my girlfriend secretly I was told to break up with her and delete her number. We didn’t talk for 6 months after that and she never knew why. She passed recently, so knowing that there was over a year where she wasn’t in my life because of the group, is one of the things I deeply regret. 

Now that it’s been a few years, I can see that Enthusiastic Sobriety was “the closet,” where counselors and participants did what they could to keep that door closed. However, contrary to what you may have been told, you do not have a spiritual sickness, there is nothing wrong with you, and your queerness is not part of your addiction. You do not have to conform to anyone else’s idea of what is acceptable. You can have the freedom and the life you’ve always dreamed of outside of Enthusiastic Sobriety. You do not have to hide.

The Insight Program Survivor: 2018 - 2021

Prior to the group I was out to my family and a few of my friends. I felt comfortable with myself after years of questioning. I knew who I was.

But when I went into the group and came out to some of the girls, I was tiptoed around. Not invited to sleepovers because “I liked girls” and when invited would be asked to leave while all the others changed clothes because “I’d like what I’d see”. I complimented a fellow female group member and their response was “ha do you like me or something? I’m straight you know that right?” I learned to hide. I never went to girl sleepovers. Eventually it was brought up in OP that I wouldn’t go to sleepovers. That’s when I was outed to counselors in OP. The counselor said I was attention seeking, not actually queer and it’s my body’s nature to be attracted to men. I believed it, and taught to feel ashamed whenever I was attracted to anyone but a man.

If asked about a crush, I’d say a boys name. Eventually got coaxed into a hetero relationship that was very toxic.

When I left, we broke up. And I still struggled to feel ashamed when liking women. I eventually met my now best friend who is bisexual and at the time in a lesbian relationship. Seeing a happy and proud LGBTQ relationship in real life shook me to realize I shouldn’t be ashamed. I knew who I was prior, and after the group I learned that identity still didn’t change. My nature is loving all sexes, not just men, and I’m proud of that.

The Cornerstone Program Survivor: 2007 - 2012

I wasn’t out in the group and never discussed my sexuality due to the way I saw others treated around it. Things that were said included; Men who identified as gay just watched too much porn or to young, women who were lesbian were sexually assaulted or wronged by men and anyone who was bi was attention seeking, a slut or confused.

I struggled to come to terms with my own sexuality until my younger sibling came out as trans and we started attending therapy and events like pride. It’s not shameful to be LGBTQ+ and you can find the support you want! Your sexuality is VALID!!! You aren’t a slut or bad person for identifying as not straight! The world needs you as you are, you don’t have to live in the closet!

The Insight Program Survivor: 2010 - 2013

I entered the program at 14, as an indirect result of having trouble with my gender identity in a society which was not yet ready for me. I was at least somewhat aware of these issues, and had the sense to tell my OP counselor, Heather Winkelmann, shortly after Let Go Let God. I knew it was something that needed to be shared, and despite not turning in to the program quickly, I thought I could trust the counselors.

I was told to have an appointment with the head counselor, Steve Winkelmann. He told me, “you’re just 14, don’t you think you’re too young to know if you want to change your gender? Just shelf this and if it still worries you when you’re 18, then we can talk about it.”

The result was the entire Group ganging up on me and constantly pressuring me into dressing more feminine, including wearing a dress for the first time in my life. When I told them why I didn’t appreciate their pestering, I was told I was lying and just attention seeking. This happened for years.

Years passed and I formed a fake character to survive, one who grew their hair out and wore slightly feminine clothes. I got on steering, got a sponsee and then a boyfriend but still I knew it was all wrong. I came out to my staff sponsor, Rachel Plovsky, as a lesbian, and was immediately shunned. Quickly a graduation was planned and I was next to graduate. After graduation no one talked to me and I didn’t quite understand why, but I felt it was related to me coming out as liking girls.

The first few years after leaving I felt like I’d been spiritually raped, and that I’d never recover. A friend who was gay and in the program committed suicide around this time, and I mostly just felt jealous. I felt like there was nothing ever worth living for, that the Group did nothing except ruin my life and throw me out unprepared, and that I was incapable and unworthy of ever being happy in the future.

It’s been a long and rocky road since then, with many curveballs along the way. I’ve come out as trans, and shortly after as gay. Nowadays, trans people around me tell me they see that I’m comfortable in my skin, and sometimes that they aim to feel that way. I’ve even helped other trans people come out. Sometimes I still feel like I have permanent grey clouds over me because of my experiences in the Group. I mourn the years I could have been out and the time I could’ve spent learning to be myself. I mourn the time I was nefariously controlled by others and forbidden from being myself. I’d be lying if I said I’m not still sad I’ll never get that time back, or that I don’t still have nightmares about being trapped against my will.

But life can get better, no matter how much it feels like it never will. It’s over 8 years later and I’m still undoing the damage from Insight, but at the age of 26 I experienced the will to live for the first time in my life. I’ve found a city where I feel I can live at peace, friends who truly love me for who I am and who I’m comfortable being myself with. And for the first time ever, I’m excited to see what life will bring.

The Group was hopefully the worst thing I’ll ever experience in my life. I can’t imagine many things worse than conversion therapy and being forced to live as a gender I’m not. But there IS life afterwards. I’m not grateful for having been in the Group, but I do think it’s paved the way for me to be a queer activist and to work on shutting places like this down and dismantling the transphobic society I was born into, so queer kids of the future won’t have to go through what I did.

FullCircle Program Survivor: 2020 - 2021

I’m queer and non-binary and I joined the group when identified as a cis female but still identified as bisexual. One of my first instances of homophobia in the group was from a kid and he would consistently called me the F slur the D slur and any slur pretty much relating to being queer. I told the staff about it the staff did absolutely nothing to protect me.

When I came out as non-binary about halfway into the program, I only had about four people who actually respected my pronouns. Constantly I was forced to go into girls meetings. I was told by other girls how they wanted me to share in meetings and in girls meetings. I was told because I still presented fem I was not non-binary. I was called the T slur many times as well. I was also told that I was spiritually sick and mentally unwell and not able to distinguish myself or know myself truly until I was done with the program.

When I did tell staff about the things that were being said to me about me and behind my back from other kids there, they told me “well if you didn’t want that attention you shouldn’t have come out with an attention grabbing thing.”

To anybody who is in the group that is LGBTQ, I highly highly advise you to watch and look for the little things. The unwillingness to help stop the subtle bits of homophobia. I know you won’t see it because you’re so into it. You’re so happy because you think you found people that love you, but their love will always be conditional. If you are not doing what they want you to do, if you are not who they want you to be, they will not love you anymore. And this is not a fear tactic - it is a fact I’ve lived it personally. They do not love you when you find out who you really are outside of them.

The Pathway Program Survivor: 1998 - 2001

I joined Pathway at 14. At the time, I identified as bi – although I had never dated or been interested in boys, only girls. When I joined, I was told that being gay was ‘treating myself as a second-class citizen’ and ‘living in my disease’. I was forced into wearing typical girl clothes and makeup. I was forced to date boys and was not allowed to say no when they asked me to banquets or dates. In my 4 years in the group, I was exposed to a lot of homophobia, and I must have internalized some of it, as it took me until my 30’s to finally come out as gay. I often think about how different my life would be had I been able to grow up normally and not be forced into something and someone that I am not.

Being in contact with other survivors has made me aware that I am not alone in this internal struggle that the group created within me, and it breaks my heart to know that it is still going on. To all the LGBTQ+ kids that are still in these programs. You are okay. There is nothing wrong with you loving who you love. You have always been and will always be perfect, exactly who you are. There is nothing wrong with being anywhere within the LGBTQ+ community, and it has absolutely no negative effect on your sobriety or your worth. And Happy Pride – Even if you are still in the closet. You deserve to be proud of who you are.