A Requirement to be Grateful for Everything
Cornerstone Team Counseling Survivor Story: 2017 - 2021
It's hard to know where to start. I joined cornerstone just after being released from jail, I hard multiple felony's hanging over my head and wasn't confident I was going to get favorable terms. At the time of joining my parents were desperate to get me help and to build a case for my court appearance. With this in mind my participation in the cornerstone program was to last a few months, at least until my case was settled and we knew where I stood with the law. In the end I was a member from the time I was 18 until I was 21, with a majority of that time spent in the outpatient program. The years spent in this outpatient where some of the most traumatic in my life.
With my family background involving drug addiction, Homelessness, starvation, and a general lack of safety cornerstone was sold to me and my parents as a fun and safe alternative to treatment centers or AA. Every bit of my story was used as a weapon against me. On multiple occasions the threat of homelessness was held above me, I was forced to sleep in abandoned cars, park benches, and whoever was willing to allow me to sleep on their parents couch.
The fact that I was an adult was used as the excuse to convince my parents that this would be best for me. I spent days surviving on nothing but scraps of food handed out by staff and coffee provided daily at outpatient. Over the course of my years in cornerstone I developed further in my dysfunctional eating, hording whatever non-perishable food I could for the nights I would be unable to have a place to sleep that could provide my with food. With the lifestyle that was forced on to me by cornerstone I was unable to regularly bathe or wash my clothes, on one occasion my trash bag of clothing was mistakenly thrown away.
i then only had access to a single set of clothes and a jacket that I wore at all time so that I was always ready for next year's winter and would have a sort of blanket for the times I was unable to find a place to sleep. This was all enhanced by the fact that I wasn't allowed to continue my education or get a job for much of my time in cornerstone.
If I were ever to get a job it was made clear to me that if it ever interfere or conflict with cornerstone I was to immediately quit or "use my voice" with my employer to get better hours. My cornerstone commitment on a weekly basis allowed for a few hours a day we're I wasn't technically required to be doing something with or for cornerstone. This rule against employment and education trapped me In place. If I was hungry I couldn't buy food for myself, if I needed a place to live I was never able to meet the requirements for an apartment nevermind being able to afford it. If I needed new clothes I was to take what had been left at outpatient from previous clients, which is how I was able to assemble an outfit after my clothes had been thrown away.
At points staff members took Pity on my situation and would buy me food with their personal money or donate clothes on certain occasions.
This finally culminated in me graduating from the outpatient program and being given the freedom to get a job and begin building a life, just as the COVID-19 pandemic had started. There was no family willing to take me in long term, I was still on felony probation for my charges in 2017 and I had no employment history. I fought to get my Diploma before I graduated outpatient but I had nowhere to go.
I was forced to move into illegal housing. Over the next year I was able to assemble something of a life. A life that was constantly hampered by forced to accommodate cornerstone. My average day started at 3:30am I would ride the bus to my work, immediately after participate in cornerstone until 11pm though this often ran late due to me being reliant of staff and others for rides to and from cornerstone activities.
I lost nearly 30 pounds during this period, die to being unable to earn enough money to provide myself with basic necessities I was limited to $176 a month in food stamps to feed myself and my roommate. Without a kitchen in our illegal housing much of our food came from a can. I became malnourished and developed health complications due to my diet, lack of sunlight, and the little to no sleep I was able to get.
To this day many of these health problems are an issue, the stress caused by cornerstone and my living situation is largely responsible for my liver issues, my heart problem, and my continued mental health/dysfunctional eating to name a few. I was exposed to lead and other health danger's as well due to being able to qualify for a true apartment.
All the while a constant theme of this time was the requirement to be grateful for everything the cornerstone program had done for me. It became a running joke how terrible my living situation was, members of the group would do "tours" of my living space as a "gratitude check" for themselves, so that they wouldn't forget what could happen to them if they didn't do what they were told. On multiple occasions my outpatient councilor said "I was meant to be homeless".
In the last few months of me being a member of cornerstone I would carry an empty gallon jug with me wherever I went.the water in the illegal housing was unsafe to drink and I could not afford to buy bottled water, I cried begging for the help that I was always told was available in cornerstone. People thanked me for showing them just how lucky they are for having clean water and the issue was dropped.
By this time I had become fully aware that I must leave I would never be able to make it. I understood what that entailed, I would likely never see these people again. I wouldn't be allowed to, but I did anyways. I had no relationships outside of cornerstone but I was to live beyond barely surviving I had too. To this day I'm not able to be in contact with many of the people I was in cornerstone with.
I am extremely grateful that today I no longer need to worry about where my next meal is coming from, where I was going to sleep tonight, or how I'm going to make rent and still he at a cornerstone event.
I get to live today
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