Making Friends After The Group

Get used to independence.

The Group utilizes a method called “love bombing” to recruit and indoctrinate new members. It is a common tool of manipulation and control. Showering someone with intense amount of love, attention and affection isn’t realistic or appropriate in making new friends. The entire Group was centered around never spending time alone and you should only be busy by hanging out with people. Folks in The Group are terrified to spend time by themselves.

You will not make a best friend overnight. Allow yourself to get to know a person and for them to do the same with you. In The Group - everyone had mandatory free time to spend with one another. In the real world, people are busy with their lives. They will make time for you when they can. Look for things to spend your time with. Get interested in old hobbies that The Group discouraged for “selfing out.”

You don’t need to overshare.

The Group told us strange “rules” of what makes a friendship. Having bi-weekly check-ins where you are “vulnerable” and “hold each other accountable” does not work in the real world. A friendship cannot just be measured by how much time is spent or how many deep conversations you have a week. You do not need to know the intimate details or secrets of someone initially, and they don’t need to know yours. Being private isn’t “dishonest.”

You will get to know someone organically. This will happen over time. While you build trust in a friendship, you can open up as you feel comfortable. You don’t have to hide yourself or overshare. And it’s okay to have things about yourself that you don’t want to talk about to certain people. Topics will usually come up on their own. You don’t have to force intimate conversations.

Discover yourself again.

The Group made us think we are just an addict, and that no one will ever understand or love us like they will. Whether or not you suffer from chemical dependency, you are more than just one thing. You are a whole person with thoughts, interests and passions. Everyone has baggage and hardships in life - including “normies.” Don’t be scared of never being understood. People can still enjoy you even if they come from a different background.

Rediscovering or exploring new interests in life give us more to talk about and to relate with than just our “life story.” The Group utilizes “trauma bonding” to create quick and intense connections with one another. We can relate with people and build friendships off of more than just shared trauma. It’s nice to be understood and relate with others, but it is not the only requirement for friendship.

Treat people with respect.

The Group encouraged physical recklessness, bigotry and just general bullying - all in the harmless joking “fun.” But it’s not. From the top - down, The Program teaches disrespect and taunting. Pranks and wild erratic behavior isn’t tolerated outside The Group. You will find that people will not tolerate how you might have been treated or how you treated others in The Group. Don’t hit people or call them names and respect their privacy and boundaries.

Be kind. Be respectful. And when someone tells you not to do something, don’t antagonize it or brush it off. Real emotional maturity is learning how you affect people in the real world. “No Victims, Only Volunteers” doesn’t apply here. If you hurt someone, you hurt someone. Learn from it, apologize and try to do better next time. We are all human and make mistakes and its okay to admit it when we do.

Chill out and relax.

Enthusiastic Sobriety Programs force people into a constant state of excitement. If you’re not constantly energized or hyped, you’re deemed “fucked up” and “in your head.” It is unrealistic and unsustainable. People outside The Group do not live in a whirlwind of shenanigans and adrenaline seeking behavior. In fact, most find it alarming to always be in that state of mind.

It’s okay to be chill and have a quiet or peaceful times with others or yourself. You aren’t bad or fucked up or boring if you just want to chill out and relax. Most people are more than happy to just watch a movie together or go sit in a park on a pretty day. Having a fun or exciting thing to do is great - but it doesn’t need to be daily. Plan simple activities and every once in a while go do something big like a trip to the beach.

Engage with people.

The Group made friends happen for you. Unrealistically and with overwhelming numbers. You aren’t going to find another swarm of 60 people to hangout with. You’re going to meet people on a one-to-one basis, usually. You will find them in your everyday life. You might already know them. Those old childhood friends who weren’t “winners” are probably cool and understanding people you once had in your life. It’s okay to reconnect with them - and maybe apologize for cutting them out.

You will meet people at school, at work or at your favorite coffeeshop to hangout at. Strike up conversations with people and ask them to hangout some Saturday. (Starting with a compliment goes a long way and usually is well received.) Go eat dinner, go to a park, or a concert. Nobody is mandated to hangout with you like in The Group, so you will have to be engaging and inviting. Put yourself out there. And those old friends might not be so bad. Don’t be too embarrassed to reach out to them.

Say “I love you” appropriately.

The Group definitely used the cult indoctrination tactic of “love bombing” to create dependence, attachment and control of one another. And it blatantly looked like telling someone you just met that you love them. The term is literally used to end every conversation in The Group - and just becomes a physically hard habit to break and leaves us with a lot more awkward interactions after leaving.

It is good to be able to say “I love you” to people you care about, but The Group puts us in positions to befriend and love strangers we just met. This was an effort to control us. Adopt new phrases like literally saying “thanks,” “I appreciate you,” “this was fun,” or even get used to saying “bye!” without saying I love you at the end. Survivors have swung both ways to NEVER saying it again or being stuck saying it all the time. It takes conscious effort and time to form or break habits. It is always okay to tell the people that matter in your life that you love them, but that doesn’t mean every person you meet.

Don’t be friends with people you don’t like.

The Group made us be friends with EVERYONE. We weren’t allowed to be discerning or chose not to be around certain people in The Group. In fact, if we were labeled as having a “resentment” with another member, we were told to spend more time with them! This tactic usually doesn’t resolve “resentments” and requires folks to stuff their feelings and not be true to themselves. This is setting us up to normalize abusive people and relationships.

It’s okay to not get alone with everyone. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. If you think someone is rude, a bully or generally unpleasant - you don’t have to “get over yourself” and be friends with them. We are taught to never be alone, so Enthusiastic Sobriety survivors put up with unhealthy relationships just out of the need for company. It takes time to make good friends, but being comfortable by yourself is a valuable lesson to learn. Don’t settle for mean and unpleasant friendships.

Don’t give unsolicited advice.

Enthusiastic Sobriety Programs sets us up to be controlling and overbearing friends - something no one likes or appreciates outside The Group. We don’t know whats better for everyone else and we don’t need to judge every move or thought our friends have. We were told what to do, how to think, who to be friends with and even how to have sex - and most of that was enforced by both Group members and Staff - and none of that is appropriate. Don’t give advice unless someone is specifically asking for it.

Let people live their lives. No one needs your approval to do anything for themselves. Most people are looking for understanding and comfort when talking about problems. Something that might be even more helpful than advice giving in these conversations is asking the person more questions, not intrusive questions, but thought provoking ones. This can help people find their own solutions and they feel heard and understood. And now we can be a supportive, encouraging and understanding friend.

Mind your own business.

Like the issues we have with oversharing and giving unsolicited advice - we were also taught to get into everyone else’s personal business. There was not an ounce of privacy, confidentiality or respect of boundaries in The Group. What they called “living in a glass house” is not an appropriate way to conduct yourself with others. Relationships aren’t measured with gross amount of details you know about someone else.

People can share with you what they want and friends don’t need to interrogate each other for the sake of “accountability.” Normal behavior is people slowly get vulnerable with each other and when a topic comes up, we treat it with empathy and respect. We don’t need to railroad someone into oversharing with us. And learning to keep someone else’s confidence is crucial. We don’t need to tell other people’s business, even in the same friendship circle. People get to choose their audience with their stories, and its not up to you to share their business without their consent.

It’s okay to value your time.

The Group requires us to be available at the drop of a hat - practically “on call” for at least 60 people at once. We aren’t allowed personal free time or basic rest. This pressure was also pushed on us as “not being a good friend” if we didn’t rearrange our schedule for anyone in The Group. Even if that meant leaving a family gathering or holidays early because someone in The Group wanted to hangout or needed to talk.

You can be available whenever you want to be. And just because you have “nothing going on” doesn’t mean you are available to talk, hangout or give rides. You are allowed to have space to rest or spend time on personal interests. Healthy relationships don’t depend on unlimited availability. You can be loved, valued and enjoyed by people without sacrificing your time and energy on a whim. You can show up for people and choose when you are available or unavailable for any reason.

Be timely and considerate.

This is more of a nuanced behavior in The Group - but overwhelmingly prevalent. We aren’t taught any structure or general good habits, like being on time. A lot of survivors said it took them way too long after The Group that they just couldn’t show up to work 30 minutes late and expect to keep a job. Somehow The Group taught us that having responsibilities and structure was a threat to our sobriety.

Try to be on time to work, school and showing up to social occasions. This is showing respect for other peoples time as well as helping yourself be more responsible and effective in life. NO ONE is perfect here, but The Group just made negligence normal. It’s inconsiderate to people’s lives to show up 30 minutes late or early, for that matter. We have to learn to treat others with respect - and this kind of self discipline is part of that. And sending someone a courtesy text for running late is great!

Advocate for yourself.

The Group pushes us to disregard our own needs and emotional well being. You had to go along with a lot of inappropriate and toxic behaviors or else you weren’t a “winner,” or whatever. Sometimes Enthusiastic Sobriety Survivors called out abusive behavior while in The Group and some form of “No Victims, Only Volunteers” was thrown back in their face. It made us silent and compliant, just so we could get along.

Today, we can let people know our values, morals and boundaries. It’s okay to tell others that certain behaviors are unacceptable to you. It is completely fine to ask someone not to say or do certain things around you. Healthy friendships and relationships will respect these reasonable requests. It takes time to learn how to speak up in an assertive and calm manner. It doesn’t always need to look like a confrontation or argument. It’s a lot to learn how not to be overbearing and controlling AND not to be a doormat either. Go easy on yourself. The Group did not set us up well.